Distracted, Hiding, and not Staying on my Path

Two weeks ago, I was standing here (in Kingman, AZ) with the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life, with discussing our future. I had never felt so solidly clear in my life.  

But that clarity was based on a lie.  

Through no fault of my own, I had believed the lies of a deeply troubled man. I had never been love bombed before, so I didn’t see the signs. I just thought he loved me. Maybe he did, but he didn’t love me as much as the demons that haunted him. And I know a lot of people think I shouldn't talk about such things because it’s too raw, too real, and too revealing that I’m not always perfect. But I feel that in owning my evolving truth and letting others see my real life, I can make it mean something. 

I learned the lesson.  

I’ve been distracted. 

I was distracted by the lives of my client families at the cemetery. I was distracted by my business partner and developing the startup. I was distracted by Rotary. I was distracted by my ex-husband and my mother as I acted as caregiver and provided the support they needed. I was distracted by being the sole custodial parent to my teenage son (an honor, but also a distraction). And then I allowed myself to be distracted by this man.  

The truth is, I was hiding.  

Hiding my fire. Hiding my Divinity. Hiding my light under a bushel. Hiding that I was barely hanging on, and that my life had become unbearable. And then I decided to hide myself in someone else’s dreams for me until that too became unbearable. God protected me that day, because we broke up a few days later. What I thought was a deep discussion on choosing the relationship from a healthy place, was actually an evidence-gathering session for him so that he could blow up at me. And we ended things.   

I’m still reeling from everything that happened because I still believe that we had some real moments. But I will never trade my divinity for servitude. This man was removed from my life so that I could get back on my path, and that did not include serving him. You see, right before this, I was doing a deep dive, a “hack”, of my soul’s purpose and mission on Earth because I don’t want to come back and learn these lessons again. I don’t want to miss any opportunity to ascend and do what I was meant to do with my time here. I thought this man was sent to help me ascend, and he did, but not in the ways that we planned. My ascension was learning that I would never be asked to abandon myself or trade in my divinity for love and companionship. That’s not love, it’s servitude. My ascension was me stepping back onto the path that was set out before me before I was even born.  

So where am I now? 

Right now, I’m sitting at my desk with a lovely view of my pool. I have flowers on my desk, and Steve the Cat is napping behind me. I quit my day job back in May to focus on helping others full-time and I don’t plan on going back to corporate life anytime soon. I’m back in Rotary, serving on two Boards with renewed inspiration and energy. My mother is still getting older. My ex-husband is gradually recovering but continues to require support and advocacy from me. Motherhood is going well because my son is an amazing human. And I’m happy being single again. I wish I had an activity partner, but I’m hopeful the right person will find me. Mainly, I’m rebuilding. I didn’t realize how many things I had lost over the three-month period we were together, but I have reclaimed all of it. Mostly because of my community of friends that would never have let me go without a fight. But I have slow mornings & quiet evenings, and I’m hiking, and doing art again, and I can’t wait to share all of it with you as we go on this journey together. 

Be well, friend, and don’t ever let anyone steal your shine.